Leading without Authority - what it meant to me?

It was a few years ago when I had the courage to identify that one of the weakest areas of my life is ‘relationships’. While I would have some of the most fantastic relationships and build the strongest bonds with people I would meet during the course of my work – clients, partners, stakeholders; I fell short of doing the same in my personal relationships. I thought that feeling a connection with a loved one is enough to say that we were in a successful relationship. While I felt a lot of love and care, my outward behaviour would often portray as being authoritative and demanding, which tended to leave a bad taste in these relationships. They loved me and stood by me, but daily life with me (a lot of the times) wasn’t an experience that one can say is pleasant at all times. Somewhere along the way, this negativity seeped into some of my professional relationships as well, and that is when it occurred to me that there could a be serious problem here. Because I had a history of strong professional relationships, I thought these could probably be easier to tackle. I started this exercise where I would go back and see what made me successful in my early years, and try to delve into when and why that had changed over time. Thoughts and realizations poured and I embarked upon an arduous journey of writing pages after pages to see what came through. Here is some of it that I'd like to share.

The Seed

The seed for transformation was sown with Keith Ferrazzi’s video. Three rounds of watching the video, noting down the key learnings and some unpleasant exchanges with a few loved ones is what it took to finally hit upon the realization. For some strange reason, each time the learnings from the video soared, the already unpleasant exchanges became even more unpleasant. The third time I watched the video, something Keith said caused the shift. He said ‘Early in my career, I did not wait for the authority of being the Chief Marketing Officer, but I served as the Chief Marketing Officer would (without the authority or the title), I was recognized for the work I did and actually got promoted to being the youngest CMO of the time’ – And BAM!

The Realization

I was the most successful at my leadership abilities between the age of 21 and 23 during my very first job. All that I read and learn about leadership today, (a decade and a half later) is what I embodied and projected back then. I had the innate ability and soft skills to move initiatives and people, not only did I do that but was recognized for it instantly, which contributed to my growth within the organization. I was more of a leader when I was 21 than I have ever been. Surprising, isn’t it? What skill sets as a leader did I project back then is not important. What is important is the WHY?

I give complete credit to my mind-set back then. As a 21-year-old, the one thing I knew was that ‘I knew nothing’. I did not know much about the sector I worked in, I did not know business, I did not know about people or how to handle them, for God’s sake I didn’t even know how to write emails or use Microsoft-office effectively. I had no title, no bank balance, no industry knowledge, no experience. There was an innate need to learn, to grow, to create a space for myself, to be recognized, to give my best and I knew I had to do whatever it takes. This knowledge of not knowing, and being unabashedly open about it, helped me create a space for myself like no other. I was in search of an identity, and this ‘thirst’ became mine to keep for the early years. With the growing experience, bank balance and the new skills I acquired, I sadly lost the novice ability to have the mind-set of ‘Knowing nothing’. The young mind was empty and craving to learn, ready to be moulded and poised for taking in whatever it got. As I got older, and as I gained experience, the novice in me died a little with each passing day. The newly acquired pleasure of having an identity, became a barrier like no other.

Transformation

‘Leading without authority’ for me was about knowing what ‘authority’ really meant. Over the last decade, I considered myself an authority on what I did. Whether it was my work, the positions I had held, the expertise I had gained, the teams I had led, or the organization I had founded; that feeling of being in an authoritative position gave me the automatic opportunity to lead. It is ironic - how one can be a better leader when they have no authority whatsoever as opposed to when they do have authority. And this realization was the foundation to my transformation.

I had read so much about being humble when you are more experienced and powerful, and I practiced that by being genuinely nice to folks across the hierarchy; I had read that you need to be hungry to keep learning, gladly enough I was reading and learning more with each passing year. But these weren’t enough. These weren’t enough for me to be the person and professional I aspired to be. I had to become the very same person I was when I was 21, with the ‘I know nothing’ mind-set. I realized what a lethal combination this had the potential to be – the ‘I know nothing mind-set’ and the ‘skill sets and experience of the years’.

And so, I embarked upon the journey of transformation - to understand and learn how the mind-set of identity and authority can also become a barrier to personal relationships, with the hope that this profound journey will open up insights to build the most successful relationships going forward.

A journey of transformation - where a little awareness and the intent to change are combined with profound realization and arduous hours of practice, to bring back the novice in me. With the mind-set of a nobody, I live with the hope to become somebody who matters!